Monsoon...

Though I have been contemplating to write a blog for long, a combination of being busy, sheer laziness stopped me from doing so..  now that I have ample time today ( The politicians in Karnataka have hijacked the state,  with shops closed and roads blocked, I am at home doing nothing) I get into some random ramblings here..

  They say monsoon cleanses the earth, of all impurities, dirt, and dust to enable a new beginning.  Of course post monsoon the nature is at its greenest best evoking a sense of prosperity.

 And often this is compared to our minds.. Sunny, bright and positive.. and at times emotions that form like dark clouds. and If it rains in the form of tears.. Probably makes way to newer far better emotions..

 However not all clouds transform into rains.. that’s when it gets difficult.  Haven’t I said our minds were amazing before?  When its clouded inside for whatever reason, we believe its clouds outside as well.  Depression is  weird.. it makes us believe that its cloudy and raining irrespective of the weather outside.

Some are blessed and can cry at the drop of a hat.. and others like me, can probably get teary while watching a movie like TZP , something similar, but cannot cry when something bothers in our own lives!

   So it was one of those Fridays of August and my mind was as clouded as it was for a few months….  I was trying my best to look sunny on the outside though. It was supposed to be a busy day at work but I was supposed to call my .. friend? First love? An online pal? Well  coincidentally we shared the same name.. Ajay!

Not that we fixed an appointment, but he had called me the previous evening when I was riding back home.. and when I called back two dozen times, he didn’t pick up and texted “Call me tomo around 10am”

I hurried through the breakfast and somehow and my hands were already trembling when I was sipping coffee.  I sound repetitive, our minds can weave magic. They can make you believe you are on top of the world, or at your confident best, or a nervous wreck!  It was just that phone call I was to make damn it!

Finally it was 10.00 am and I dialed. And my hands shook! I went just outside the cafeteria for privacy.I want to hear him well, but didn’t want anyone else to hear of course.

Yes. I dialed and the call.. or should I say my prayers was answered. “Hello” said Ajay. I said “ You wanted to say something?..er.. um..”  I was fumbling and trying to word it right. “ Yes “ He said.

“Ajay, it’s over. I want to get back to a normal life” He said. I was asking myself. Normal  life? How would it be different if we were friends?

“But Ajay, .. could we be jus..“ he cut me off “ Ajay, I want to concentrate on my work and probably get married in a few years. I am fed up of this closeted life. “ I asked again” Ajay, how does it matter? We could be just friends, maybe catch up for coffee once a while and just talk”. “No” he said. “ you will remind me of the things I wouldn’t want to remember. It will not help me lead a str8 life”. 

So  was this a break up? I wasn’t sure.. never had a break up before.. and never knew a break up was as simple as this one as well.  I normally don’t wear emotions on my sleeves.. so I asked him “ Does it mean we delete each other’s numbers”? “ Yes “ he said. “Post this call I am deleting yours. All the best”.

I said “ All the best to you too”. Hung up and deleted his number.  it was easy.. took me 15 seconds.  The call lasted around 5 minutes as there were too many pauses in between.

It was around 10:06.. I was walking aimlessly in the cafeteria.  Just wondering what changed..

An hour of  walking and 4 coffees later I decided to go back to my desk..  I wasn’t able to concentrate.

One of the skills we pick up especially while working for a fairly good or a good organization is not to mix work with life and vice versa. I never mixed my life with work, was always on time and finished my tasks well before the deadlines. Today wasn’t one of those days. In fact the whole week I was pretty much struggling. But then I had to. Hours passed.. It was almost lunch time I suddenly realized I was  on leave the coming Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow and day after being a Sat & Sun were off as well. I was just pulling myself to complete the tasks, hadn’t eaten breakfast well so was hungry and had half the day left to complete the tasks of most of the day and prepare enough for  Mon and Tue before I arrange my back up.

I normally don’t skip meals.   so went back to the café.. Ordered what I wanted. .best was to order the most appealing of what’s on offer. or ask for a mix of this and that and pay a bit extra.

My mind was preoccupied. Nevertheless I finished my food and went back. The rest of the day I hardly had the time to worry. Tons of work to do and it was almost 7:30 pm. The last sprint and I was thankfully done wid my work. And it was 8:30.  And not very unusual for the month of August it started pouring in the evening.  So It was difficult or rather impossible for me to ride home. If you have been in Bangalore on a very rainy day, you would figure out that the Auto guys either ask you to pay them as they please or a hundred extra for every passing hour beyond 7:00pm. Or  they just disappear!. Buses are frequent but not necessarily to where I was put up. There were no direct buses.  Thankfully by 10pm the rains reduced to a drizzle and I started home.  I was already tired.. With all the work at office and the overworked brains with what happened at 10 am. For my luck it started raining again and I had to take shelter under one of those  Flyovers.  A lot of folks like me were stranded too.. I admired some bikes, some folks were talking on cell phones, a gal riding pillion had a beautiful bouquet for someone probably she loved..

Finally when I got home it was 11.00pm!  There were more surprises! Some days are just like that! I was totally drenched on the way in spite of the shelter I took, but the constant drizzle and traffic  made me cold and wet head to toe.I had forgotten to pick up a takeaway dinner from one of the restaurants on the way due to the weather both outside and inside..  I quickly stepped out of the house and figured out that the nearby veg restaurant had closed and it had started to rain again. No restaurants in Bangalore take orders beyond 11:15pm. So the only choice was to either snack or make something.  And then I remembered not shopping for any snacks, milk or anything as I was supposed to be away for 4 days… was leaving to Chikmaglur the next day. I went to the kitchen and there was not even a biscuit pack.  I normally stored very little rice and/or atta and there were none! The little fridge had 2 tomatoes. A large one and a small..  So time to set the dinner table!

I let the tomatoes to warm up a bit by the stove  while I bathed, Cut them into 8 pieces, sprinkled some sugar over them and arranged them neatly on a plate.. And dinner was done! What a way to end a "break up" day!

Appeared it was more out of some novel! That night I lie down.. still hungry and think..  “where was I wrong?”. Some things are beyond our comprehension. They just happen due to several reasons.  As a result of something as simple as compatibility, incompatibility, ambitions, coincidences to as complex as greed, lust, poverty, social hierarchy and more!

Times like these, I realized the less we think about it, the better.  Not sure when, I dropped off to sleep.

But often we find solace in blaming. Either ourselves or others.   Blaming others is easy and gives us that comfort of being a victim. Blaming ourselves and  “Sounding” victimized is even better!  It took me over a year to finally get over this.. thankfully I neither blamed him nor myself. However kept asking why? Why me? and more! ..  I stopped pursuing for an answer and a chapter probably was closing..

True love happens when both share the same degree of affection and feelings for each other right?  Expectations hence should be right and based on facts and that was an experience.

Experience is a great teacher. In fact I was shocked and found it difficult to accept my orientation in the first place. when this online friendship with Ajay turned into what I called love then and he simply called it off, I was even more shocked!. However looking back, that has changed me from a self centered, aloof loner to what I am now.  And I am happy with the transition.

  Irrespective of what happened, love is an amazing feeling! I think it’s the most unique and beautiful form of expression and has so much of energy to give a high and  make one believe everything is possible! Love is unconditional. Appreciating similarities and respecting differences probably makes it stronger.

Funny, Ajay used to stay awake all night for me to chat with me while I did night shifts and I used to stay awake all nights for him when he studied for exams. And remember we were virtual friends. Never  met in reality. We were supposed to meet on a particular day and it  was postponed until he announced he wanted to speak to me that Friday at 10. I thought we were the most compatible partners on the web, but it was not supposed to be. He moved on with life pretty quickly I assume, and I always wished for him be that way!

What kept me going is of course my work, it kept me occupied mentally and physically during the day, and I read a lot, watched a lot of funny stuff like F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Seinfeld, Two and a half men, Will and grace , Tom n Jerry and more during nights.

Feel good books and some positive folks online were a great help as well. One of them said “ Happy are the folks who are too busy during the day to worry and too sleepy in the night to worry”

Observing nature, the friends I made during my outdoor activities, sports and drives were a boon too. And I moved on Finally! 

Of course it wasnt as simple as I have written here.. will write more in maybe a few days. Not to just share what didnt work, but how our life shapes with experiences of every kind irrespective of how young or old One is!... J…hopefully not too long and boring.. but good enough to read!

-AJ